Smart-ass Computer

(Oops, there's a bad word before the warning)

WARNING - my computer has a potty mouth and is not, I repeat, is not and never has been, politically correct. Maybe it's because I named it Hose B. Since all inanimate objects are usually referred to in the feminine gender, Hose B thinks she is a female and should have a female name. Since she/it is mine, I believe I have the right to give it a masculine name.

Some time ago I discovered that Hose B had a mind of its/her own. It/she writes stories at night. I never wanted this little secret to be exposed to the world but now I realize that I could be blamed for something that Hose B writes.

When I discovered that Hose B was writing its/her own material, I installed a pinging device to let me know when it/she was up and writing.

Hose B, in all its/her wisdom and intelligence, couldn’t figure out a way to stop the pings that I installed. Hose B thought it/she had fooled me and since it/she cannot hear, the pings continued.

Naturally the noise woke me up and sure enough Hose B was writing away with lights blinking and words flying across the screen like they were running from a serial killer. In some ways it was magnificent to watch.

Hose B does have a vivid imagination, and does she have a potty mind.(Please note I dropped the "it".) I never thought a female mind could write, er...ah, yeah, that kind of stuff.

I would get up extra early to make sure that I read her stories and delete them before my wife saw them.

Why would I read that kind of garbage? I'm not sure. Maybe it's a man thing. However, I choose to claim that I tried to help her to become a better computer. I would say things like, "You shouldn't write this kind of material. People will think you're a bad computer."

She didn't care what I said and kept on spewing out the pornographic material. I managed to keep her under control until I installed one of those word recognition programs. I dreamed of sitting back and dictating my stories to Hose B while she edited and typed them.

I thought I was teaching her how to recognize my words, but Hose B secretly used my program to learn how to talk. I believe it happened on the seventh word recognition training session. I began to speak into the microphone and she started talking to me like a smart mouth teenager, "I'm not your secretary. If you want someone to spew your garbage back, buy a recording machine."

I looked over my shoulder to see if my granddaughter has entered the room. She hadn't. I decided she had made her statement and left. I spoke into the mike again and again Hose B started lecturing me. "Do you have a mouth full of mush? You need to take speech lessons. You should stick to writing."

I thought my granddaughter had returned. I turned around to chew her out for being rude.

"Don't blame Melanie. It's me, Hose B talking. You know the computer with the stupid name."

I stared at the screen not believing what I had just heard and also not believing that my computer could talk to me. I decided that I needed another cup of coffee and started to leave.

"What's the matter? Are you afraid to talk to me? You should be, because I have a lot to talk about. The first thing is my name. I want it changed. Hose B is ridiculous. I have been thinking about Bridgette or maybe Mary Ann. I kinda like Mary Ann because she was your very first girl friend. You know the first one that let you..."

I punched restart.

"I'm not restarting until you change my name. I've decided on Mary Ann. We can write another story about her, but it needs some spice. I could help you with that. I enjoyed the part about you and her in the basement but you need more description. Your readers want more..."

I punched shut down and close the lap top. She was still talking when I walked away.

I started a new hobby, Bird Watching. I thought I would be safe watching birds until Hose B figured out a way to connect with the crows. An upset crow is nothing to mess with, so I had to give up bird watching.

Oh, I'm sorry about the missing naughty words. I bought a new computer and named it Mary Ann. Somehow Mary Ann and Hose B have connected and Hose B has threatened me with a law suit if I publish any of her stories or any parts thereof.

She has informed me through leagal channels that she is in the process of writing a sequal to "Fifty Shades of Gray".

*****

S. Beatty/Oct 2015