(Oops, there's a bad word
before the warning)
WARNING - my computer has
a potty mouth and is not, I repeat, is not and never has been, politically
correct. Maybe it's because I named it Hose B. Since all inanimate objects are usually
referred to in the feminine gender, Hose B thinks she is a female and should
have a female name. Since she/it is mine, I believe I have the right to give it
a masculine name.
Some time ago I
discovered that Hose B had a mind of its/her own. It/she writes stories at
night. I never wanted this little secret to be exposed to the world but now I
realize that I could be blamed for something that Hose B writes.
When I discovered that
Hose B was writing its/her own material, I installed a pinging device to let me
know when it/she was up and writing.
Hose B, in all its/her wisdom
and intelligence, couldn’t figure out a way to stop the pings that I installed.
Hose B thought it/she had fooled me and since it/she cannot hear, the pings
continued.
Naturally the noise woke
me up and sure enough Hose B was writing away with lights blinking and words
flying across the screen like they were running from a serial killer. In some
ways it was magnificent to watch.
H
ose
B does have a vivid imagination, and does she have a potty mind.(Please note I
dropped the "it".) I never thought a female mind could write,
er...ah, yeah, that kind of stuff.
I would get up extra
early to make sure that I read her stories and delete them before my wife saw
them.
Why would I read that
kind of garbage? I'm not sure. Maybe it's a man thing. However, I choose to
claim that I tried to help her to become a better computer. I would say things
like, "You shouldn't write this kind of material. People will think you're
a bad computer."
She didn't care what I said
and kept on spewing out the pornographic material. I managed to keep her under
control until I installed one of those word recognition programs. I dreamed of
sitting back and dictating my stories to Hose B while she edited and typed
them.
I thought I was teaching
her how to recognize my words, but Hose B secretly used my program to learn how
to talk. I believe it happened on the seventh word recognition training
session. I began to speak into the microphone and she started talking to me like
a smart mouth teenager, "I'm not your secretary. If you want someone to spew
your garbage back, buy a recording machine."
I looked over my shoulder
to see if my granddaughter has entered the room. She hadn't. I decided she had
made her statement and left. I spoke into the mike again and again Hose B
started lecturing me. "Do you have a mouth full of mush? You need to take
speech lessons. You should stick to writing."
I thought my
granddaughter had returned. I turned around to chew her out for being rude.
"Don't blame Melanie.
It's me, Hose B talking. You know the computer with the stupid name."
I stared at the screen
not believing what I had just heard and also not believing that my computer
could talk to me. I decided that I needed another cup of coffee and started to
leave.
"What's the matter?
Are you afraid to talk to me? You should be, because I have a lot to talk
about. The first thing is my name. I want it changed. Hose B is ridiculous. I
have been thinking about Bridgette or maybe Mary Ann. I kinda like Mary Ann
because she was your very first girl friend. You know the first one that let
you..."
I punched restart.
"I'm not restarting
until you change my name. I've decided on Mary Ann. We can write another story
about her, but it needs some spice. I could help you with that. I enjoyed the
part about you and her in the basement but you need more description. Your
readers want more..."
I punched shut down and
close the lap top. She was still talking when I walked away.
I started a new hobby,
Bird Watching. I thought I would be safe watching birds until Hose B figured
out a way to connect with the crows. An upset crow is nothing to mess with, so
I had to give up bird watching.
Oh, I'm sorry about the missing
naughty words. I bought a new computer and named it Mary Ann. Somehow Mary Ann
and Hose B have connected and Hose B has threatened me with a law suit if I
publish any of her stories or any parts thereof.
She has informed me through leagal channels that she is in the process of writing a sequal to "Fifty Shades of Gray".
*****
S. Beatty/Oct 2015